Gift – Jason Remfrey

by Jason Remfrey

I have bipolar disorder, but I like to think of it as a “gift”. Here are poems relating to some of my experiences relating to my illness.

Admission

Damaged heart I had
That sent me into ill
Darkness enveloped me
With confusion I was filled

Madness it enshrined me
Help needed from above
Telephone to guide me
So far away from love

Friend he took me in
All the way to Wellington
Hospital I was put in
I thought that I had sinned

Medication they gave me
I’d hide it under tongue
I thought it would hinder me
So I was there for three whole months

Delusions spun around
End of world had come
Little did I know
That healing had begun

Not able to wash a glass
I’d just used
It just seemed all too much
My confidence was bruised

Songs they had no meaning
And they gave me no joy
Music lacked its lustre
No longer would it buoy

Suicide I thought of
Thought I had done wrong
I thought I was not needed
Though it wouldn’t be too long

Before it all would lift
Eight months in all
But dark times they were
So much I had to toil

Quit my job I did
While they said that I was wrong
Still I had my guidance
It proved true and made me strong

Organic food I ate
Travelled far by foot
Karma was my enemy
I was writing a new book

Conversation not entered
Questions only would I answer
Each command unquestionable
Not long though did it last for

Hospital for me
Needed time to recover
But when I was out
Truth I would discover

Spending every penny
Delusions of grandeur
Out all and every night
My senses I pandered

Never felt so good
Things looked bright
How was I to know
Reality was out of sight

People I let down
Although I was creative
Riding high I was
To many though destructive

In the cells I ended
Miles away from home
He’s in hospital again
People must have groaned

Finally got some help
That brought me back to earth
No more hiding pills
I recognised their worth

Mood is flat
But now I’m well
No longer swayed
By madness’s spell

Now I just wait
For my time to come
When in my heart
God’s song is sung

Won’t complain for all I’ve had
I wouldn’t give it up
For all I’ve experienced
I feel it has only filled my cup